It’s nice to hear the anti-marriage drumbeat intensifying.

Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off
Sandra Tsing Loh, The Atlantic, July/August 2009, pg. 116

Sandra Tsing Loh is getting divorced. In this article for The Atlantic magazine she explains the usual trajectory of relationships and why monogamy is unnatural. She uses this to argue that the current model of marriage is outdated. Serial monogamy, she says, is a much more natural model for human beings.

I am a critic of both marriage and monogamy and agree with much of Loh’s analysis of each.

Why do we still insist on marriage? Sure, it made sense to agrarian families before 1900, when to farm the land, one needed two spouses, grand-parents, and a raft of children. But now that we have white-collar work and washing machines, and our life expectancy has shot from 47 to 77, isn’t the idea of lifelong marriage obsolete?

What I do not agree with, however, is that relationships must necessarily end in order to start fresh with someone new. A more utopian model is polyamory, where individuals are free to love more than one person at a time. Each person satiates different needs and at different levels. This is what we should strive to achieve to maximize happiness.

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divorce · marriage · open marriage · the atlantic

All but the Ring: Why Some Couples Don’t Wed
Lisa Selin David, Time, May 25, 2009

A Gay-Marriage Solution: End Marriage?
Michael A. Lindenberger, Time, March 16, 2009

Is marriage on its way to becoming the relationship equivalent of our appendix (in that it’s no longer needed but can cause a lot of pain)?

I sure hope so. Marriage is an archaic institution that has a benign effect on a relationship, at best. The legal benefits of marriage, however, are significant. Committed Unmarrieds pay dearly for their decision to forgo government’s stamp of approval on their relationship. The same-sex marriage fight is primarily one of benefits and semantics. If government would get out of the business of marriage, these problems would disappear immediately. There would be no losers (except, perhaps, the wedding industry and divorce attorneys).

Thank you for directing my attention to these articles, Brian.

court · gay · government · law · lgbt · marriage · politics · prop-8 · same-sex

Helen Fisher tells us why we love + cheat
Ted Talks, February 2006

And I’ve also come to think that it’s one of three, basically different brain systems that evolved from mating and reproduction. One is the sex drive: the craving for sexual gratification. W.H. Auden called it an “intolerable neural itch,” and indeed, that’s what it is. It keeps bothering you a little bit, like being hungry. The second of these three brain systems is romantic love: that elation, obsession of early love. And the third brain system is attachment: that sense of calm and security you can feel for a long-term partner. (more…)

anti-depressant · cheat · drive · evolution · love · lust · marriage · psychology · sex · TED · ted talks

Governor Signs LD 1020, An Act to End Discrimination in Civil Marriage and Affirm Religious Freedom
Governor’s Office, Maine.gov, May 6, 2009

Today Governor John E. Baldacci signed into law LD 1020, An Act to End Discrimination in Civil Marriage and Affirm Religious Freedom.

Just when I was beginning to think I couldn’t be any prouder to be a Mainer, this. Hooray for Maine!

In the past, I opposed gay marriage while supporting the idea of civil unions,” Governor Baldacci said. “I have come to believe that this is a question of fairness and of equal protection under the law, and that a civil union is not equal to civil marriage.
~Governor Baldacci

Bravo, Governor. Bravo!

Marriage is the legally recognized union of 2 people. Gender-specific terms relating to the marital relationship or familial relationships, including, but not limited to, “spouse,” “family,” “marriage,” “immediate family,” “dependent,” “next of kin,” “bride,” “groom,” “husband,” “wife,” “widow” and “widower,” must be construed to be gender-neutral for all purposes throughout the law, whether in the context of statute, administrative or court rule, policy, common law or any other source of civil law.
~SP0384, LD 1020, § 650-A. Codification of marriage

baldacci · gay · governor · law · legislature · lesbian · lgbt · maine · marriage

Traditional Marriage: An Outmoded Institution
Kirsten Uhler, Cogitations, May 5, 2009

Kirsten wrote a brilliant paper on marriage for the sociology course in which she is currently enrolled.

None of the “benefits” of marriage require marriage. Children can be conceived and reared and sexual satisfaction can be had without any legal contract or public vows of commitment. I’m glad the proclivity toward marriage is waning.

In the newly Christianized countries of Northern Europe marriage was essentially a business deal between the bridegroom and the bride’s father. The symbol of a successful “bride sale” was the ring (a form of down payment) which was given to the bride herself. Acceptance of the ring constituted betrothal. The full payment of the “bride price” was made on delivery, when the actual wedding took place. Since then, the ring has acquired many other symbolic meanings and is still used in our modern marriage ceremonies (Haeberle, 1983). It still signifies to me that a woman has been “bought,” the price of the ring indicating her value.

I’ve long argued that wedding rings are a superficial waste of money. I haven’t wore mine for years.

The common laws turned the married pair legally into one person—the husband. The husband was enlarged, so to speak, by marriage, while the wife’s giving up her own name and being called by his symbolized her relinquishing her identity. This legal doctrine of marital unity was called coverture (Cott, 2002). This meant that a wife could not use legal avenues such as suits or contracts, own assets, or execute legal documents without her husband’s collaboration. The husband became the political as well as the legal representative of his wife, disenfranchising her.

Coverture is fucked up!

I am in a wonderful relationship with Brent. We are only married to receive the legal benefits we would not otherwise have. We are still together because we make each other happy. We have history together. We have insight into each other. We agree on important philosophies and values. We enrich each other and affirm the best in each other. We challenge each other and make each other want to be a better person. We communicate; we’re open and honest with each other. We appreciate each other’s uniqueness and value. We have regular and exciting sex. We show affection. We don’t keep score or compete with each other. We share responsibilities. We have children together and agree on parenting styles. And we are best friends. All these things keep us together and happy. Our marriage does not.

I love you, too, Kirsten.

Promising to love someone tomorrow is puerile. The subjugation of women is immoral. An expectation of sexual fidelity is insecure, unreasonable and selfish. Traditional marriage should, like religious myth, be relegated to history.

kirsten · marriage · misogyny

Till Children Do Us Part
Stephanie Coontz, NY Times, February 4, 2009

Do children supplant the things that make committed relationships so great? Or, conversely, can they strengthen a relationship by providing common goals, identity, focus and aspirations?

Women’s magazines of that era promised that almost any marital problem could be resolved by embarking on parenthood.

Now that’s just pure lunacy! Children who are either unwanted or whose parents were unprepared for them can devastate a relationship. Especially if that relationship is immature. The advice that a young couple should marry if they unintentionally conceive is irresponsible at best. Purposely having a child to improve a weak relationship is immoral. Few plans could backfire with greater frequency or consequence. The stresses of parenthood, especially to people who are emotionally immature, would surely be devastating to both parent and child.

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children · family · marriage · progeny

A lengthy post regarding Prop-8 is in the works. I’m currently doing research and working on a rough draft.

For now you’ll just have to enjoy this lovely video. Cheers.

bigotry · california · glbt · humor · marriage · prop-8 · video

I feel quite strongly that marriage is a completely useless and often harmfull institution that should long ago have been abandoned.  I was pleased, therefore, to read an article in the New York Times today about taking marriage back from church and state.  Marriage, in my opinion, should be a private contractual agreement between two people.  This agreement would not be a one-size-fits-all contract like today’s legal marriages are but one in which the two parties pick and choose the rights and responsibilities that are best for them.

church · contract · gay marriage · legal · love · marriage · matrimony · partnership · relationship